ALL ARE GATHERED AROUND the holiday table. It’s like a scene from a Hallmark movie. Across from you sits that challenging family member, saying all of the usual things that you find hard to hear. It seems like the perfect time to seek resolution about some conflict that has long bothered you. Wrong! Stop trying to fix your family!
In their recent book, Fight Right, the Gottmans identify two types of interpersonal conflicts: solvable and perpetual. Their research suggests that 69 percent of couples’ conflicts fall into the latter category. “Perpetual conflict,” according to the Gottmans, “is inevitable in any relationship.” We are different people with unique portfolios of preferences and non-preferences. And as we assert our preferences and non-preferences, others are never in full alignment with us. Thus conflict arises. The Gottmans classify the belief that conflict is a problem to be solved as one of the “Top Ten Myths” about conflict. The only reality, they say, is that “we manage most of our conflicts through continuing dialogue–we don’t resolve them.”
During the holiday season, most conflicts can be managed by entertaining light dialogue about the conflict while refraining from defensiveness and certainly not pushing for some resolution that is unlikely ever to occur. When the holidays are over, it certainly makes sense to seek resolution of conflicts and issues, but sometimes that cannot occur directly with the specific individual. Sometimes, others adopt a “fortress mentality” whereby they consciously commit to non-change. Other times, relationships lapse into estrangement and communication is not permitted. In these cases, resolution must come privately, often with the help of a friend or counselor. It is often quite liberating to discover that successful conflict resolution can be one-sided!
Likely, this year’s holiday gatherings will be more enjoyable if you refrain from striving to push for conflict resolution with challenging family and friends and know that you can, at your own pace and in your own way, find a resolution that gives you more peace–with or without their help or direct involvement.
Reference: Gottman, Julie Schwartz, & Gottman, John. (2024). Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. Harmony Books, New York.
